XOXO Gossip Girl for Africa

XOXO Gossip Girl: Charles in Charge...You Bet Your Bass

2009-01-13T09:30:00.000-08:00

Tonight we began with Charles, Uncle Jack @ss and B all meeting with a lawyer to find out what everyone was left in Bart's will. Ever the defeatist, Chuck assumes his Dad has figured out one final royal screw for his only son and believes he's not getting anything.

Look, I'm a huge Chuck fan (despite the fact that he wore a suit that was waaay too tight this week... I don't care if you ladies find him sexy, when you're only job in life is to look good, you need to be in better shape - take a note Vince Vaughn - I figure one of two things happened to Chuck this episode, either Chuck's put on a few pounds, or the wardrobe staff didn't communicate and failed to realize when they were fitting Chuck for his suit that he planned on wearing five sweaters and a turtleneck under the jacket as well as thermal bottoms. Whatever it is, if they don't remedy this problem shortly, we are about 3 episodes away from seeing Chuck's junk bunched up in his pants...not necessary...please GG can we let Chuck's boys breath a bit?... I digress).

Anyway, I'm a huge Chuck fan (clearly... I just spent five sentences talking about his man parts) but I've noticed he's not the most diverse character. He basically has two go to moves... there is "bad boy" Chuck who denies his inner pain (I'm not talking about his pants this time) by acting over the top self-destructive and there is "I'm sorry" Chuck who realizes he's totally pathetic and has issues (90% of the time we see "bad boy" Chuck). Let's talk acting for a second...basically the two Chucks are exactly the same. Here's the difference: with "bad boy" Chuck every time he says his lines he gives a snarl after each sentence and finishes by snapping his head back or to the side to flick his hair. Seriously, watch for it. Next episode when he is doing the "bad boy" act (i.e. doing drugs, prostitutes or j-walking), watch him snarl at everything...Later, when he realizes that he disappointed someone he loves and becomes "I'm sorry" Chuck, the snarl goes away and he ducks his head down puppy dog style. So there it is…the two faces of Chuck, "Snarl and the Puppy dog". Still, you can't fault him because... well... because he's Chuck.

Anyway, Silly Lily couldn't make it for Bart’s will reading because she's off with Roofie looking for their long lost son (I think that nickname works for Dan's Dad... Actually, I'm hoping if I use the nickname enough, I'll forget the characters entirely by the time I wake up in the morning… not unlike a real Roofie). Some issues here. First of all, she's Silly Bass... I mean Bart had a private investigator on retainer...why are she and Roofie off roaming the streets of Boston begging for information about their kid, when she could just buy the information? Second, I realize that they are really excited to meet their offspring (after all, the gay son and LVJJ are such winners), but if you were inheriting a half a billion dollars, don't you think you'd want to be there... or at least check in? Also, how crappy of a parental figure are you when you don't show up to support your stepson when they read his father's will? Which leads me directly to my next point... how in the world does Uncle Jack @ss (who looks like he's about 25) end up with custody of Chuck? I mean I'm not a lawyer... but I would think Chuck would have been left under the care of his adult stepmom, rather than young Uncle Jack from Australia...wait, I am a lawyer and that's just inconceivable (shout out to Mrs. Waldorf's husband who hasn't been on the show in weeks...inconceivable). Do you think Lily knows that every other character on the show thinks she's useless (hold on, I'm popping another Roofie...Lilly who???)? Can't wait for their spin off... "Silly on Roofies" coming soon to the CW.

Regardless, it allowed us to get to some of the best lines of the show:
Lawyer: Chuck, do you have any objections to your Uncle having custody of you?
Chuck to Uncle Jack: Curfew?
Jack: Of course not.
Chuck: Can girls Sleepover?
Jack: I hope so.
Chuck: No objections from me.

I want Uncle Jack to be my pops. He's rich, cool and... as we'll see in a minute...he encourages promiscuity with ladies of questionable character (read: drug using prostitutes)...If he read a bed time story once in awhile, I'd vote him Dad of the year.

Turns out Bart believed in Chuck and left him the family business (51%). After wavering for a bit, Chuck decides he's going to start work immediately as CEO of the Company. No need to alert his teachers, school is really just a prop on this show. In other words, the school looks good for background filler, but it's not real. Also, I guess if I owned stock in Bass Industries I would think it was great for a 17 year old with no experience to run a billion dollar company...no wait, that's also inconceivable and would result in the stock and company going down the toilet (not even Hannah Montana runs her own empire). I just can't believe Bart wouldn't have thought of this and I can't believe the Board was even entertaining the idea.

Anyway, Jack is not happy about losing the company and decides he needs to take Chuck down (taking people down is a theme on this show). So, he relies on a morals clause in the will (I mean, I think it was in the will? we don't really know though because Bart's will didn't actually leave Chuck the business, instead the Company gets left to Chuck by way of a separate letter from dearly departed Dad... Um, hello? Bart had teams of lawyer and ran a billion dollar business, yet everyone is comfortable with the fact that the Company gets left to Chuck by way of a "Dear John" letter...touchingly inconceivable). Regardless, Uncle Jack sets Chuck up with ladies, booze and drugs (and yet comically he's still a better option as a parent then Silly) and then invites the Board Members to the Bass residence for a surprise brunch where they discover "bad boy" Chuck. Looks like Chuck's time at the top is in jeopardy...good thing he still has a billion dollars to fall back on. The episode ends with "I'm sorry" Chuck asking B for forgiveness, but she has had enough... so it's finally definitely over between them (sorry, I couldn't even type that with a straight face).

Meanwhile, not much from S and Humphrey Dumpty, except Dan still can't tell S that they share a sibling. Anyway, the snotty girls from the Stairs (along with their suddenly extremely popular Asian side kick - who by the way has more pairs of glasses then Chuck has cardigans), find out the “Dan and S share a sibling” secret and blast it out to Gossip Girl. Leading to an awkward moment...why? I still have no idea. I think S sums it up best, Alicia Silverstone made it work in Clueless, so why can't she and Dan? Because in all reality, if something worked for Alicia Silverstone, shouldn't it be socially acceptable for everyone? As if.

Meanwhile, LVJJ and Eric (I'm starting to feel bad for calling him the S's gay brother... for one thing, they have been throwing him a lot of lines lately and for another thing, someone’s sexuality should not define who they are. Eric has a lot of fine qualities that make him... who am I kidding, unless and until the gay brother does something other than gossip with LVJJ or talk about his little boyfriend, his nickname doesn't change)...Anyway, LVJJ and S's gay brother had a tiff when LVJJ was too needy and always wanted to hang out with the brother and his boy toy, but they worked it out when they realized they were family (NO THEY AREN'T). Anyway, I decided that best spin-off for GG would be LVJJ and Eric..."LVJJ and the Gay" coming this fall to the CW.

One quick aside, it's interesting the way GG deals with homosexuality... most shows deal with the inner struggle of a teenager coming out, but not GG. The only thing Eric hasn't done is attend a Bette Midler concert in drag... I mean good for him, but as a 14 year old you would think there would be some kind of struggle and/or kids giving him grief (Gossip Girl is either extremely liberal or they lack the writing skills to deal with real issues even on a superficial level - I mean, even the new 90210 has already dealt with race, drugs and eating disorders - actually the eating disorder thing was not part of the script, that's the real 90210 actresses...I guess we just have to accept GG for what it is).

Nate "Archie" Archibald and UGFB are celebrating their 3 month anniversary... and that was it for them. Poor Nate, stuck with UGFB and losing lines by the minute. If he doesn't pick up a drug habit or another MILF soon, he may find himself off the show. Maybe he'll have an affair with S's brother... then everyone is family.

Finally, we end with Silly and Roofie in Boston. Turns out Silly still loves Roofie which leads to "smoochie poochies" (as my wife would say) between them. Anyway, after initial reluctance, the parents of their child decide to meet with Silly and Roofie... only to inform them that their spawn drowned a year back during a horrible accident (if only Lilly had been their to watch him, this might have never happened - instead he'd be on drugs or traveling alone in a foreign country). Sad moment...

Later in the most obvious of twists, we find out the kid isn't actually dead. The parents lied to Silly and Roofie... "We had to lie. They have so much money and power, they'll stop at nothing to get their child back"... or some dumb line like that. Again, 1) how does Lilly not have the private investigator on this and 2) these people are from Boston, not Idaho (no offense Idaho), I mean do they honestly believe that a Court would take away their child after 20 years of raising him (and I could be wrong, but I think the kid's an adult now anyway, if so, he doesn't have to listen to any of them anyway)? Unfortunately we haven't heard the last of this...In the mean time, Silly and Roofie head back to Brooklyn and arrive just in time to catch all four of their collective kids sharing PB&J sandwiches and generally acting like one big happy family....Mental note: Now the S and Dan thing seems a little weird.

I can't wait to watch the Lilly and Rufus prequel. If we're lucky Rufus will have a mullet and there will be a scene with Lilly dancing on stage like Courtney Cox in the classic 80's "Dancing in the Dark" Springsteen video. In the mean time, I'm still enjoying reruns of the hit TV show where LVJJ and S's gay brother lived together as adults and get into all kinds of shenanigans... it was called "Will and Grace".

That's all for now. XOXO and Happy 23rd B-day to my wife's sister, who is kind enough to be a shameless promoter for this blog.

Gossip Girl: '09 and Still Doin' Fine (Except C. Bass...Not so much).

2009-01-05T23:00:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to all! Spoiler alert... this is the second episode in a row where we do not see Ugly Girl From Brooklyn at all... wait, that didn't spoil anything.

Let me start with my quote of the show tonight, which was not from the show...it came from my wife and I think it just sums up the essence of tonight's GG episode... "I love this show... it's so real." Everyone relax, my wife and I don't hang out in Opium Dens in Thailand (anymore anyway), but my wife recognized that all the little kiddies in GG land head to Pinkberry after school in mass, which is exactly what happens in real Upper East Side land (Pinkberry is yogurt if you're one of my faithful readers from Idaho). Anyway, "Gossip Girl...They're Just Like Us" (well not "us", the wife and I hate Pinkberry and their false calorie counts and yogurt flavored yogurt - how is yogurt an appropriate flavor? - When the best review I've heard of a food is ... "try it a few times, by like the fourth time you won't find it disgusting" or "load it up with fruit toppings to hide the taste"... it's not for me). Anyway, this ends the reality portion of tonight's episode.

So, everyone is back from New Years another year older and wiser. Actually we're missing one... fresh off last episode's "Thanks for the f*%@" letter that C-Bass left for B (it was actually "Thanks for the cuddle" letter), we find that Charles (as he's oft referred to now), has not returned from his vacation. Apparently, he was shacked up in an Opium Den in Thailand... True Story: One time I met my friend for a drink on the Upper East Side and we ended up stopping at a Cigar Shop and smoked Cigars in the store...basically the same thing without the Thai Prostitutes and the hallucinogenic drugs..."Gossip Girl...I'm just like Chuck."

Anyway, B is worried/upset because on the one hand she loves Chuck and is concerned about him...but on the other hand, she dropped the L-bomb last episode and he ran off to a weekend of mind altering drugs and sex with underage possibly trafficked asian hookers... Ah the everyday life of a teenager... so many difficult issues to deal with.

Anyway, Chuck's Uncle Jack (yes, that's Jack bASS for those keeping score at home and he very much plays the part of the Jack @ss), successfully brings Charles home from Thailand (though all the worse for the wear). Funny thing about meeting Uncle Jack B-Ass for the first time tonight... he looks about five years younger than Chuck (well his head is smaller anyway... I realized tonight that Chuck has a large melon during an exchange with B where the shadow on her face was like an eclipse), and yet Uncle Jack is supposed to be an authority (albeit sketchy authority) figure in Chuck's life. We'll come back to Charles.

S has returned from her trip to Buenos Aires. When we first see her, she is waiting for Dan at school after class begins in a completely unrealistically empty hallway (TV stars follow loose school schedules on this show). Anyway, turns out S dumped Aaron-Bobby 3 hours into her 15 hour flight and didn't even hang out with him... Funny thing about that, the show starts with us seeing pictures of S on vacation (admittedly without Aaron), so the pictures show that she actually stayed on vacation. Did she rent her own place? Did she invite a friend? The big debate of last episode was "what parent allows a H.S. student to go on a vacation to a foreign country and share a room with a boyfriend of one week without supervision?" Follow up: "What parent allows a H.S. student to go on a vacation to a foreign country alone without any supervision and/or companion?" If you said Silly Vanderwoodson to both questions... then you get 10 points. There will be more Silly points to come. In any event, Dan and S are full out lovers again.

Little Vijayjay has traded in the life of a fashionista for the life of a 15 year old school girl (well except for the fact that in real life she is 16 and hooking up with 23 year old Chase Crawford). Only one problem, when last she left school, she wasn't quite endeared to the "Pointer Sitters" or whatever B's posse is called (for my male readers out there...crickets, crickets... I'm a fan of B's second in command with the long straight dark hair. Let's increase her role). Anyway, they try to terrorize LVJJ, but more importantly, they treat her friend (some Asian girl with comically large glasses) terribly and LVJJ will not stand for it. Long story short, Little J wins a power struggle against them (by threatening to release GG-type secrets about each, including that one is having sex with her father's work partner and the other had a drunken hook up with her cousin...twice). However, it turns out Little J has no intention of being "Queen B," she was just protecting a friend... but that friend only wanted to be part of the "Twisted Sitters" and hoped Little J would be the top dog... so despite good intentions, LVJJ ends up alone (except for S's gay bro). THEME ALERT: All people from Brooklyn are nice and altruistic. Note: To any readers out there from outside of NY... for the love of God, please do not assume that all Brooklyn folks are nice (some are, but I was watching the news today and heard that some guy from Brooklyn in real life stabbed an 86 year old Grandma today... please learn to differentiate. When confused, look for a sewing machine... if the person is carrying one, has heavy makeup and dragging a bag of dresses, they are probably safe - or crazy but friendly).

Anyway, this is getting long, let's pick it up. B is trying to get into the "Colon Club," or some similarly named high society club (it's actually "Colony"), which never takes High School students, but may make an exception for B. But, when the women insult Chuckie and Serena all in one interview, B realizes that despite the Colon's being middle aged, they are no better than her and her high school clan, which was exactly what she was trying to get away from. She runs off to find Chuck...who has been holed up in a...I have no idea... a Burlesque House? Side Note: Proof that this show is full of crap. Had this been reality, C-Bass would have been chilling in a champagne room in Scores or the equivalent (if you like that sort of thing)... not watching a bunch of middle age ladies Can-Can in the middle of the afternoon. But Chuck decides to host the party of the year at the Grand Old Saloon and everyone and their little brothers/sisters attends (normally, I would comment about how easy it was for these kids to get into the bar... but this was a Burlesque Saloon... so I have no problem with it... remember: there were no laws in the Wild Wild West). The evening ends dramatically with Chuck on the roof drinking Johnny Walker Blue debating whether life is worth living... um... YES (read: Private Jets, Model girlfriends and Johnny Blue, for example). But B talks him down.

Uncle Jack @ss takes Chuck to his hotel, while B pleads with him to go to the Vanderwoodsons. She tells Jack "I don't trust you," but Jack ignores her and says "Oh, you have to trust me...or I'll tell Chuck about New Years"... or something like that. Either B had sex with Uncle Jack @ss or she got in a fight at the New Year's party she was at because in a drunken stupor she thought people were cheating on American Idol on Wii (actually that may have just been me). Regardless... scandals to come when C-Bass finds out about B and Uncle Jack.

Finally Silly and 867-5309 (side note: thanks to "Anonymous" who posted a comment explaining what Dan's Dad actually sings... the song is called Every time and here it is on Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fesuRHtmbVA ... It's not overly sucky, but I'm not convinced that was his 80's one hit wonder). Anyway, Dan's Dad is looking for his adopted son, but Silly won't help him... which brings me back to my point system...Silly = Bad Parent (she claims in the show that she wasn't mature enough or ready to raise a child at the time... yet her kids today - including Chuck - are a mess and vacation without supervision - did anyone else see the irony there?)

In the end, she decides to help "Jesse's Girl" find his son, but not before Chuck tells Dan of the situation. Leading to this line from Chuck "Looks like your little thing with Serena is over now that you two share a sibling... I'm not even that sick." Very funny line, but I gotta say, it's not like S is making out with her actual half brother. S and Dan don't share parents at all. Why is that so weird? I'd love to know what other people think about this.

To me it's fine if it passes the vomit test...which it does. If Dan didn't vomit instantly upon hearing that S and he share a sibling, then what's the big deal? Trust me, if he found out S was his half-sister, you would have seen him blow chunks... or maybe that's just me... but what do I know... I just write a GG blog.

See You Next Week...XOXO...You know you love me (I do anyway).
-J

Gossip Girl: XOXO...Nothing like Death to Bring Out the L-Bombs

2008-12-09T19:35:00.000-08:00

Spotted... little JK having steak at Del Frisco's in midtown...meaning you all had to wait an extra day (or so) for a recap. But hey, I'm an attorney by trade, so cut me some slack... if you get me a job blogging for a living, I promise I'll update more responsibly.

I have to say, this was a great episode and kind of a lame episode. I can't really explain it... Sooo much happened... and yet, nothing really happened. Oh come on, think about it, you know I'm right.

Let's jump to the obvious and most important moment in this week's episode first... The moment we have all been waiting for final happened...Ugly Girl From Brooklyn (UGFB) made not 1 appearance (what? did you think I was going to talk about B telling Chuckie that she loved him? - I'll get there...(that's called foreshadowing)).

So when last we left we were faced with a cliff hanger... Beelzebub Bass was in an undescribed "accident" (which one episode later remains undescribed...curious) just as we find out that Silly is planning on leaving him for "867-5309" (I'm still trying to guess what song Dan's Dad sang so I'll just refer to him by naming random 80's hits). Anyway, this week's episode picks up just in time for Bart's funeral (ok, so I was wrong last week... Bart is actually dead - at least for the time being...but I still expect to see him back in a few episodes - Note: Hopefully, we'll find out that he just faked his death... though is that really plausible? I mean wouldn't it make more sense for them to wait two seasons and then begin a 4 week long plot where Lilly begins seeing his dead ghost, talking to him and having crazy sex with him, even though he died two seasons ago from heart failure caused by Izzy Stevens inappropriately stealing a heart transplant for him - oops...wrong show. But while I'm on the subject...what they hell is Grey's thinking?)

So, when the show opens we see Silly anxiously making arrangements for the funeral... you know, the typical stuff, like deciding tuna tartar isn't for funerals and meeting up with ex-80's One-Hit-Wonder former lovers to discuss their future life together. In the mean time, the families have all come together (as all families must) to deal with the crisis. Sadly, absent from the scene is "Mourn his @ss" Chuck Bass, who is having a difficult time dealing with his father's death.

Comparison between Chuck and I: My pet dog once died and I cried myself to sleep...Chuck lost his Father and decided to hole up in a suite in a posh hotel while living on the mini-bar and accepting "room service" from "the twins" or something along those lines (I think I missed out on the real mourning experience). Obviously, this is GG, so I give lots of leeway with the hotel suite/death thing (and why not?), but here's what killed me about Chuck living in a hotel suite for most of the episode...His family and friends thought it was perfectly normal. I mean it's one thing for Archie, as his best bud, to be like "just let him be... he needs to be alone" (which is code for "he needs to be having sex with twins")... but even Lilly and other "adults" (i.e. Serena and Blair) felt like it was perfectly normal for Chuck to spend the week in a hotel with high class prostitutes and boozing himself to death....this isn't normal behavior for a 60 year old man who just lost his wife and first and only love...let alone an 18 year old socialite. Regardless, let's just move on... because, well, he's Chuck and that's why we love him.

Meanwhile back in Band Camp, S and Aaron Bobby seem a bit distant(I'm still working the Justin Bobby/Aaron comparison because they are equally dumb characters... and yes people, if you haven't realized that the Hills is scripted, then you need to drink some more Heidi and Spencer Cool-aid...I have and I think they are Super People - didn't you like how nice Spencer was to Nanna last week?).

It seems Bart's death has brought Dan and S closer together which causes S to question her feelings about Aaron (I'm as stumped as you...How can she question a relationship founded on Aaron's causal sex with friends/strangers and S's hiding her secret past of murder and booze/plus undeniable love for Dan... I mean, they seemed destined for each other???). Anyway, Aaron is getting jealous of Dan and Dan is just plain confused about his feelings (Dan's confusion is understandable...since we've known Dan, his Dad has had weird sexual tension with Dan's best girl friend as well as with Dan's real girlfriend's mom...Please "Jesse's Girl" (aka Dan's Dad) stop torturing your son... can't you just go get some "room service" at Chuck's hotel and call it a day?).

Regardless, Aaron throws the boyfriend equivalent of a hail mary and buys S a ticket to Buenos Aires for Christmas...Dan tells her to "do what you want"...which creates yet "Another classic TV cliche moment": Dan's response pushes S away, thus causing him mental anguish and S, not realizing Dan's sacrifice for her, instead feels blown off and ends up getting pushed closer to Aaron for all the wrong reasons...that's why in TV-land nice guys finish last (temporarily)... More importantly it gives the "nice guy" the opportunity to say things like: I'm "doing the right thing"... "she deserves to be happy" (Me? I was rooting for Dan to go with: "Pick me, choose me, love me"... No...not really, but I'm still on my Grey's Anatomy roll from before).

Side note: 17 year olds going away together missing the biggest family holiday of the year, while staying in the same hotel room without asking their parents permission = perfectly normal and acceptable in GG land.

Anyway, all the peripheral characters (meaning Parents and gay and/or fashionista siblings) asked S and Dan individually, "what's going on with you two" and they both give a similar "we gave it a shot, but we just aren't meant to be" lines. I love how the S and Dan's relationship has played out like the equivalent of a boyfriend/girlfriend that someone has lived with for four years during their late 20's/early 30s before realizing that their love wasn't strong enough to overcome their differences... I mean that storyline makes me gag to begin with... but when those same issues are about 17 year olds, it's just absurd (they aren't Ross and Rachel)... still, lets all just pray that they find someone to love someday before they die...moment of silence... ok. (I think you are going to see a serious anti-S sentiment coming from me lately... and not just because she wears a variation of the same boobie top/short skirt bottom in every episode - you know the outfit... wide V down the front of the neck and her boobs look like they had to be taped into it and her skirt blouses out because...well... because we've accepted that S has some junk in the trunk and the blooming skirt hides it better than anything else).

SIDE NOTE: Has anyone noticed that S (and to a smaller extent B) shows up for breakfast every morning in an outfit most women would wear on the first night of their honeymoon...no matter who is in the room? I don't care how loaded they are... who's wearing this outfit every night to bed? Flannel's anyone?... if you are dressing this sexy to sleep, please call me because I'd be anxious to see (I can be reached at 867-5309).

Anyway, with all the death in the air, Mr. Inconceivable decides he just can't wait to Marry B's Mom. So, after some humerous exchanges with Blair, they decide to push the wedding up to the day after the funeral (note: This is realization of true love # 1).

While the wedding plans are being dealt with, B is seriously upset about Chuck's destructive behavior (great moment at the post-Funeral when Chuck walks by and grabs a Scotch off of a tray of drinks from a waitress at the Bass residence... when was the last time you saw a tray full of Scotch(es), Straight Up, being served...my guess is never, but I say it should be a staple at all death related parties). Anyway, after a load of drama B tell's Chuck "I LOVE YOU"... and Chuck responds obnoxiously. [My wife seemed genuinely upset by this interaction... as I'm sure most of the ladies out there were... but come on, he's Chuck (which again is why nice guys finish last)]. Anyway, B shares the story with "Inconceivable" and they have a nice moment (B cries in his little arms) and Inconceiveable tells her that Chuckie "just needs time" (he should have gone with his Princess Bride line from when he is trying to match wits with Wesley the Dread Pirate Roberts..."You're just stalling" ... "You'd like to think so" - Inconceivable is a great character). For those counting at home... that's L-Bomb number 2 this episode.

Meanwhile, Silly is trying to pay off Bart's investigator who has "information" from her institutionalization in France. While this is going on, she and "Come on Eileen" (aka Dan's Dad) decide they are still in love and they are going to try to make it work... so they run home to pack and then off to a bed and breakfast (Interesting note: Silly runs into S at home and tells her the plan. S is cool with it saying "Go Mom, you deserve to be happy"... I'm figuring it out now... In GG land, the parent's get permission to go to hotels with Boys from their children - not the other way around. Silly and Dan's Dad = Lovers # 3.

I'm going to hit this one fast because I hate the subplot. Dan's Dad goes home to change and runs into Silly's mom (who seems evil... but with nice intentions? or is it the other way around? who knows). Anyway, she gives up the "information". Dan's Dad shows up to meet Silly at Grand Central (What? All of a sudden Mrs. Bass takes mass transit?), but he's not going with her... why? because the secret is that they have a kid together that Silly hid by going to a institution in France...YAWN. How bad does your character suck when your 17 year old daughter has a more interesting past/secret then you (and how bad are your writers when their biggest plot twist is remarkably similar to the first few episodes of 90210, the 2008 addition - yes, I watch a lot of crappy TV). But more importantly, is this seriously the secret that Lilly was willing to pay millions to hide? Anyway, Dan's Dad is devestated and gives up on Silly... yay UGFB - there is still hope for you (barfed a bit in my mouth).

Finally, we cut to S and Aaron Bobby in a limo on the way to the airport...Dan calls to tell S about his Dad and her mom, but S doesn't answer... And cut to Cliche TV moment...Aaron: "You can answer"... S: "No...[dramatic pause]...I don't want to" (it works better if you picture her say it with her raspy voice and in a shirt that necessitates booby tape). At this point Aaron drops the "I think I'm falling in love with you line"...which leads me take an informal poll: I ask you America (or the 5 people reading this who I have just called "America")... does anyone give a crap about Aaron? I bet there was not one warm fuzzy feeling in the house. It's obviously not going to work out between them, but at least he can take solice that the first morning they wake up in Buenos Aires... SCORE...sexy pajama time.

And we finish with our protagonists (probably an inappropriate word, but I can't be considered a serious writer without some literary references). Chuck returns, heartbroken and he tells B to "leave me alone...I'm bad news"... she says she'll always be there for him... and they end up sleeping together (sadly not in the way you think... they actually just "sleep"). The episode essentially ends with B waking up to a note from Chuck that says:

Roses are Red;
Don't you know I'm Chuck;
Thanks for last night;
You were a great f***....NOOO, that wasn't what the note said.

The note apologized and said he can never be what she needs... don't try to follow him. Lovers number 4.

So, like I said...lot's happened, but what really happened? Chuck and B remain starcrossed lovers. Dan and S are status quo. We still don't know what song Dan's Dad sang and no one else was even involved in the episode (Archie, we hardly knew you).

I guess until next time...

Coming Tomorrow

2008-12-09T06:06:00.001-08:00

Sorry all, wasn't home last night to catch the episode. Rest assured it's on DVR and I'll fill you in tomorrow.

Gossip Girl: December 3, 2008

2008-12-03T11:27:00.000-08:00

Ok...I believe a two day turn around is acceptable. If you haven't seen the episode, don't read.

It's a Gossip Girl world and I want to be a part of it. Seriously, if anyone who reads this has any pull in Hollywood, I would sell my wife (or something of equivalent, yet less sentimental value) for the opportunity to have a cameo on GG as the guy who catches the GG moment and texts the photo to her (or him - I'm still not convinced that it's not Gossip Guy and he just has a high voice).

Anyway, on to the episode...After last week's Turkey Dinner brought the rich and fabulous together (slumming it in Brooklyn no less), we are left to deal with the repercussions of the moment. Namely, Beelzebub Bass being jilted by Lilly (I finally remembered her name - I'll call her "Silly" because that really describes her character) and UGFB backstabbing Little Vijayjay and Archie...

I need to digress for a minute here.

First...apologies, because I blatantly missed the One-Eighty LVJJ pulled last week. Remember a few weeks ago when she became a rogue fashion girl and I mentioned that she started wearing makeup like a raccoon and became anti the establishment (which in gossip girl world means busting into amazing parties with dancing models, getting rejecting and traveling at all times with her sewing machine)...well I totally missed it when, during the last episode, the minute after she apologized to her Dad and Dan and all was wholesome in Brooklyn again...her makeup instantly got lighter and her outfits instantly less trashy. I mean, why don't the producers just admit she can't act and do one of those VH1 pop-up bubbles over her head "LVJJ is a good girl again...you can tell by her makeup."

Second, wtf (pardon my French lettering) is up with Dan's Dad? If someone can please tell me who he - a former 80's one hit wonder - is like, please contact me. Right now my only comparison is Hugh Grant in "Music and Lyrics" and his stupid song "Pop Goes My Heart" (I mean, um... if I had seen that movie - which I didn't because I only like action movies...says the guy with the GG blog - Shout-out to the doctor in the "Pop Goes My Heart" Video). At least in that movie they gave us a catchy song that I got stuck in my head. I may be wrong, but I don't think we know what song Dan's Dad actually sang (I missed the first episodes). Was he a boy band guy? A rapper? Bryan Adams--that's probably too famous, right? The Relax guy? Here's what we do know: (1) He doesn't really work, except for his coffee shop in Brooklyn - which, if you hadn't noticed - has never ever had a customer; and (2) They live in an amazing apartment in Brooklyn - I know GG watchers, that for you Brooklyn isn't the UES...but Brooklyn ain't Idaho and that apartment they have ain't too shabby - So he must have done something right. Also, if he is a former pop star, why can't we see him on a show like "Pop of Love" with strippers/single moms who are fighting for his attention? I mean wouldn't this at least give him a somewhat interesting subplot - other than "I love you Silly...but I'm too nice to interfere with your relationship with Beelzebub Bass."

Back to the show:

So it's time for another Big Ball...Note: Hogwarts (or whatever school they attend) has more Balls in a single school year than Nate and Chuck have at one of their real life apartment parties (oh come on...I couldn't resist - you know they are real life roomies, right? and that...well the rest is just rumors), but as we find out from B in the beginning... This is the most important Ball of them all. Leading to my inevitable comment: Barf...Every moment in B's life is the biggest - we still love you B.

B is trying to pick out the perfect man to take to the ball (she's reviewing resumes). When Kick His Ass Chuck Bass advises her that no one will ever replace him... so they make a bet. He chooses her date, she chooses his. If either one likes the chosen date they win a ridiculous prize (either Chuck's limo for a month or Chuck gets to use B's chubby Russian nanny - again because 18 year olds have nannys in GG land)...As an aside, if I hadn't noted this like 15 times already, this is another cruel intentions knockoff. I guess when they run out of ideas they go back to that movie - "oh right, he bet his car in Cruel Intentions...let's go with that plot." By the end of the night, their two dates (predictably clones of each other - like that episode of Friends where Rachel dates Russ, the Ross look-a-like) end up making out with each other...leading to inevitable sexual tension between Chuck and B and this line "I thought we can't have each other...Maybenot, but we can always have tonight" or some variation. Do I smell a spinoff? No.

Meanwhile S and Aaron are advancing their relationship when Aaron's best (female) friend decides to come and visit. Footnote: GG writers are trying to play off Aaron and his friends as artsy Brooklyn people, but he went to the same camp as S and his Dad is more loaded than B's family... so what gives? (by the way, you should know that in GG land, all the "common" people that live in Brooklyn are artists - tell that to Anthony the Mechanic from Bay Ridge, Brooklyn).

Long story short Aaron's friend likes Dan, Dan digs her. Aaron tells S that his friend likes to give up the goods on the first date (not to worry though, she doesn't go on many first dates, she's classy like that). FYI. Aaron is bizarre... for Barri who doesn't get to watch the show, He's the scruffy beard, always in a scarf and gloves with no fingers type...you know what I mean, struggling artist yet thinks he's hot sh*t and generally looks down on everyone. The sex conversation was odd but nonetheless, it leads to two major events: (1) S tells Aaron it's time they get it on - jealousy is great; and (2) S tells Dan about the other girl's first date habits, which - ONLY because this is TV - causes them to both get jealous and brings up strange old feelings they have for each other. Quick Aside...line of the night...When Dan finds out that he's getting some from Aaron's fried, he says "Thank God... I mean I knew it would happen again some day, but I wasstarting to wonder when...It's been awhile." Not the reaction S was looking for. Anyway, I don't even remember how either of their nights ended because WHO CARES. Dan's a writer/artist from Brooklyn, S is a socialite from the UES...it's a total West Side Story - Star Crossed lovers whose story will drag on.

On to LVJJ and Nate "Archie" Archibald...I really struggled with this plot line. See Nate is Mr. Cool (we all loved him in High School Musical - kidding), and LVJJ has been the cute sparkplug... but then all this drama happened. Anyway, LVJJ never got Archie's note thanks to UGFB - Ugly Girl From Brooklyn for any newbies reading this (worst character ever). Since Thanksgiving Archie and UGFB have become lovers...happier than they've ever been. That's in one week for those counting at home - Oh TVland. Anyway LVJJ finds out that UGFB hid the note from her and Watch out for some serious revenge time. I can't even explain how dumb this was. Some convoluted way, LVJJ convinced UGFB to wear a really hot dress to the ball (UGFB went with Archie), which had one flaw... it was see through in direct light. So, UGFB feels guilty, tells Archie about stealing the note but (despite LVJJ trying to stop it) gets completely exposed to the whole ball. So embarrassing...
Except if you saw it, you'd realize people only saw her legs and the dress made her only look like a mildly UGFB... still, Arch tells LVJJ he doesn't know what he ever saw in her (so immature for a 15 year old...jeez) and he loves UGFB. As for me, I hate them all.

Finally, Silly and Marky Mark(Dan's Dad) have another another ANOTHER...moment...where they admit they are lovers but "did the right thing"... Enough Already you two...But, the moment is interrupted at the end of the episode by Bart Bass - BEING IN A SERIOUS ACCIDENT AND LIKELY DEAD. Non-Spoiler: Just before Silly was told of the accident, we saw Bart in the limo with a private investigator talking about Silly. My guess, he's not dead, but it's some scheme...but it's premature for that.

I think that covers it all...Lots learned from this episode, but if I took anything from it, it's that Schools on the Upper East Side... they got a lot of Balls.

As always, feel free to forward. I'm curious whether I should just put all of these posts on one blog (back through the beginning of the season)... so if you are a forwarder (you know who you are) or if you care enough to comment I'd be interested to hear. If not, I'll just keep assuming that no one other than my wife, her sister and Barri reap the benefits of this thing.

Hope all is well. Stay safe BS.
-J His @ss J Bass.

Gossip Girl: November 19, 2008 (Missed one week- I'm only Human)

2008-11-19T11:16:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the one week hiatus... I'll try to bring you back up to speed this week (and by you I mean B in Africa... that was the original point of this thing).

Anyway, last night was the Thanksgiving Episode and, with the exception of all things Charlie Brown there is nothing better than a Holiday Special to really kick off the season. So let's jump right in.

Last week, Little Vijayjay determined that the only way she could make it in the fashion business (aside from the obvious: go back to school, get into a premier fashion school, be an apprentice for a few years and then eventually winn Project Runway and/or be on The Hills) was to become emancipated from her parents. So, with the help of her bestie...Serena's gay brother (Dawson? I don't know his name, but he kind of looks like a young Dawson from Dawson's Creek only with a head that is twice as big and he's shorter), they visit a lawyer (Note: I have no idea where they went, Dawson has all the connections in the world and they ended up at some kind of children's services place). Needless to say, the exchange took place in the following manner:

Authority Figure: "Do you understand that by doing this, the police will have to investigate your parents"...
LVJJ: "Um..."
Authority Figure: "I'm just kidding, I really don't care if you understand it... here is the paper work."
Yup, it's just that easy (only in New York Kids).

In the mean time, little VJJ has been living with with Dawson in Chuck and Serena's Big Bass House... but no one realized because: 1. the house is huge; and 2. Let's face it, with the exception of the "Dawson Coming out of the Closet" episode, Dawson is just filler...why would anyone think to look with him, he hasn't been on set in weeks.

Anywho... S's mom finds out and tries to convince LVJJ to go home (but secretly just wants Dan's dad...who of course I think still wants UGFB). S's mom's character sucks... I'm just throwing that out there. What does she bring to the show? Anyway, LVJJ runs away (I couldn't tell if she took the sewing machine).

Meanwhile back with the Waldorf's...in last week's episode B was ecstatic to find out what secret rich man her Mom was in love with...only her dream was shattered when she realized that the dream guy was actually the guy who kidnapped the princess in "The Princess Bride” – Inconceivable!

Anyway, at first she tries to break them up, but love conquers all- mostly because... it's slightly less well know, but: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! ... Inconceivable...cut to this week when we find out that B loves Turkey Day and is devastated when Mr. Inconceivable tries to bring in his own traditions (including having Jean George cook all their favorite recipes). Also, B's Mom and Mr. Inconceivable have a surprise, which B believes is that her Mom is engaged to Mr. Inconceivable...
B runs away with her heavy set Nanny (is it still a Nanny when you are 18?)...only to run into...wait for it... LVJJ.

A Classic TV Cliché moment follows: B is jealous of LVJJ because Dan's Dad (no time for his real name) truly cares about her and is looking all over for her...and while she may be poor, she doesn't know how great she has it. LVJJ begins to realize that B is right when low and behold (it felt like a "low and behold" moment) B's Mom pulls up in a cab and runs out apologizing and saying that she was so worried and didn't realize how important the day was to B.... at that point I vomited in my mouth. B and LVJJ both realize that things aren't as bad as it seemed. B's Mom forgives Jenny, they all get in the cab to go to their respective homes. B realizes that the "surprise" is that her Dad and his boyfriend flew in, and, Yes, her Mom is engaged. Jenny arrives in Brooklyn just in time to catch Dad and Dan...leading to an emotional hug...just as UGFB walks in -UGFB...get a family PLEASE- followed by S and her family the Vanderwitsenhosengartens... or whatever her last name is...ending up at Dan's place (I'll get there in a minute)..."Teacher says every time a bell rings an angel gets it's wings" -It truly is "A Wonderful Life"... actually, it wasn't that bad, even if it was sooo cliché.

But there's more. The Van**** (S's family) discover that Beelzebub Bass has been having a private investigator follow them all and he keeps a file on all of them "for their own protection" (kept in a safe that contains valuables including three gold bars and the original screenplay for "Saved By the Bell - The Movie"). That is why the Vanders left and ended up first at a diner and then with "family" at Dan's house in Brooklyn. Cut to the closing scene where Daddy Bass is outside the apartment in his limo and is on the phone with his PI and says "you know how I told you how I didn't want to know anything about [S's mom's] time in the institution... I want to know...everything" followed by creepy laughter - not really, but it would have fit in nicely.

Side note: S is dating the artist who happens to be Inconceivable's son and up until last night believed in casual sex with models (he's kind of like an American Austin Powers with the same hair, but more of a Justin Bobby flair)... So the artist decides to be exclusive with S, only to find out about her mysterious past (well, not the "killing the guy in the sex video" past... just that she likes to drink). Anyway, he says he doesn't want to see S's file...he'll just learn about her over time - again, that "sex/murder video" is a doosey to learn about.

Finally there's Archie (Nate for any new readers). His Dad returns, but with the help of UGFB and Kick his @ss Chuck Bass (who, along with B seem to be turning good - or, at least, not as evil). Arch convinces his Dad to man up and go to jail. The FBI begins releasing the Archie assets and all is happy in Archie-land as his Dad goes off to rich people prison...he has a 9 a.m. Tee Off time.

Finally...really... it turns out Archie wrote a love letter to LVJJ (both Archie and LVJJ had said "I haven't heard from [him/her] in weeks...there is nothing there.") UGFB finds the note and HIDES it from LVJJ and that is where we are left...Archie thinks LVJJ isn't interested and vice versa.

I know... Inconceivable.

In other news... a lot of people have November Birthdays, including you... Happy B-Day B in Africa.

Alrighty then, stay safe and have a great Turkey Day everyone. Feel free to pass this forward (my prior email list got continuously longer), but you'll have to explain the nicknames...I'm in too deep at this point to go back.
Later-JK

Gossip Girl: November 5, 2008

2008-11-05T11:08:00.000-08:00

In my opinion not that much happened last night either....but, since I'm late on it, it's not exactly short.When last we left off, little Vijayjay had dumped Mrs. B to start her own business and made out with Archie (Dan, Dad and UGFB were in the dark about all of this)."Kick his @ss" Chuck Bass and B decided they are lovers...of the game... and maybe eventually each other, but not right now.

Dan remains gangly looking and is struggling with efforts to get into Yale (a professor who had previously given him a recommendation withdrew it because Dan was "too nice" - again, Poor = Nice in GG world - to write an expose about Chuck) and S likes her camp friend...ok then.

So we start with S and B (I really should call them BS when together, because the plots are starting to become that...BS... but anyway), we start with S being interviewed by a woman who reminded me of Selma Blair's mom in Cruel Intentions (in fact in my opinion the Cruel Intention themes -sanz sex with the sibling – is becoming more prevalent - if Chuck and S ever get together, this show is officially over). Anyway, the mom strikes me as new money...clearly not in BS's class. Anyway, Serena is being interviewed by this woman to get into Yale (even though she was a lock to get in two episodes ago, she's still interviewing???) and decides to bring B along so that B can impress the woman and convince her to give B a recommendation.

What's been killing me about this whole Yale subplot is that B is the smoothest person this side of Bill Clinton, yet as soon as Yale comes into play she becomes a bumbling idiot (case in point this last episode she just sat there cracking her knuckles)...not very believable to me. Also, the Waldorfs are loaded, they can buy and sell Yale. I hate this plot and the fact that all these shows insist on all the kids going to college together (US Weekly just had a comment by Josh Jackson on this...he felt that was when Dawson's started to suck... I agree). Long story short, when the interview goes bad Serena volunteers B to take the woman's daughter out to the movies that night...only to discover that when the woman leaves, the innocent daughter becomes Sl*tty Silvia and makes it her goal to get de-flowered by the Captain of the lacrosse team before her friend gets it. This leads to a hilarious cat and mouse chase around the city (note: it's not actually hilarious, instead B ends up doing that eye roll thing she does where she kind of looks up and then dips her head in frustration/embarrassment - if you haven't noticed yet, this is her "go to" acting move - it's her version of Joey's "smell the fart" acting). Anyway, B employs the help of the Chuckster (they are friends again), who actually has some funny exchanges with the young lady including "You've reeled in a Bass" when she is trying to get in his pants in the back of the limo. Eventually, B realizes that in the end...she and that troubled youth aren't that dissimilar from when B was a kid and gives her motherly advice (leading to an appreciative call from the dean and B likely going to Yale).

WAIT: Ok, this theme is throughout this episode and it really killed me. Apparently in GG land, Chuck, B, Archie, Dan, etc. are all way older and more mature than the people that are Vijayjay's age. They make a point out of noting how a senior in high school dating a sophomore (i.e. Archie and J) is some weird event bordering on pedophilia. B talks to the younger girl (who maybe is a freshman) as if she is 40 and she should not make the same mistakes B made... barf. They are all in High School. OH...but let’s not forget that no one has an issue with the odd sexual tension between UGFB and Dan's dad...grrr.

Moving on... Serena and the artist play love phone tag the whole episode. Every time he does something cute to woo her, she tries to call him back or see him and there is a woman there who kisses him or answers his phone...so it looks like it's not going to happen... or will it?

Finally little Vijayjay and her pedophile new boyfriend Archie (my favorite couple in the show). Sorry to say, but Little J took a turn for the worse. They've given her a look that makes her look like a druggie, but she's a fashionista (is that a word?) Anyway, her O.C. friend convinces her to do a "rouge" fashion show. Essentially, she sneaks into Bart and Mrs. Vandalay's (S's mom) social event where they are being honored for smelling terrific or something like that. Little Vijayjay hijacks the video and all these models come out wearing her clothes, standing on tables, and having a grand all time. NO WAY this works in real life (I was actually nervous watching it), but turns out everyone loved it... During this whole event, Archie and Lil Jay get real close and get caught by GG's many eyes (and in a camera phone photo)... Dan gets furious, UGFB is hurt and the Dad is disappointed (because Poor = Nice). Lil Vijayjay decides that her loyalty is with UGFB...and for some reason that escapes my wife and I, Lil Vijayjay ends up leaving home... but rather than contact a friend, the episode ends with her walking on the streets with only a bag and her sewing machine (yes that was a sewing machine ladies... I know you've never seen one before). It was like the end of every Incredible Hulk tv show from the 80's (which none of you remember…but I'm a few years older than my wife, which, of course, makes me some dirty evil person in the GG world).

I think that's everything.

Gossip Girl: October 27, 2008

2008-10-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

Let's keep in mind that this is for my friend B, who is saving the world in Africa...hope all is well B (I thought about calling you "BS", but that doesn't seem charming at all). Also, these posts have the law of diminishing returns...which basically means that every time I repeat the nicknames, etc. they are less funny. So if I keep this up, I'll try to make it fresher for you [I lie].

With that in mind, on to last night's episode. If you haven't seen last night's episode and you aren't B Friend... please don't read this. So, thanks to a little foreshadowing in my last email, we all knew that this episode would focus on Little Vijayjay (I used to think that was a one time nickname... but who doesn't like Little Vijayjay). At the beginning of the episode we find Little Vijayjay working her @ss off for Mrs. B (not to be confused with Mrs. G who is dealing with Blair, Tutie and the rest of the "Facts of Life"). Mrs. B promises to introduce Little Vijayjay to the Bloomingdales Buyers (who knew my wife was making a cameo?), but she ends up screwing her over, instead forcing her to get back to her child slave labor (which in America is known as "home schooling").

Anyway, while Little Vijayjay is finishing a fabu dress, she befriends a model, who...in possibly the most original casting EVER... happens to be the bratty new sister from the last season of the O.C. (is it any wonder that Brenda and Kelly are on the new 90210? Once a teeny bopper...always a teeny bopper-- damn me forbeing 4'2" in high school and damn High School Musicals for not being cool like today...but I digress). Back to the show.

After a night out partying with her (completely un-model looking) friend and her pervy older photographer friend (who I don't think was even using a digital camera), Little Vijayjay is convinced that she doesn't need Mrs. B anymore and quits to start her own clothing line (as an asides...there is no way a teenager has her own clothing line works in real life... last I recall, Little Vijayjay was never on "The Hills").

Meanwhile back in the real life that is Chuck Bass and B. (I forgot to mention last week) Chuck refuses to give himself up to B, even though she wants the Chuckster bad, until B says "those three magic words." Apparently the words "This is Stupid" only crossed my mind and not the writers and also I didn't realize that everyone in H.S. drops L-bombs these days. Well B spends the episode trying to one up Chuck, but he won't budge (astoundingly, he's able to hold out and not give it up to B...oh wait, maybe that's because he has rows of foreign supermodels lined up to be his next). Anyway, in an effort to win Chuck back, B ends up befriending...wait for it... DAN...who remains unrealistically nice (and, I'm sorry...he's gangly looking).

Dan convinces B to express her feelings to Chuck, only to later convince her otherwise when he finds out that C-Bass and B were not nice to UGFB- Ugly Girl From Brooklyn- in the last episode (has there ever been a suckier character than UGFB? all UGFB does is get stepped on by people...just bang Dan's dad and get the weirdness over... we know you'll be there for breakfast either way). Long story short, Chuck and B (in possibly the only good moment of this episode) decide that they only love each other because of the "game" they play. Ummm... I love their game too. They ride around in limos, go on trips to Italy on private jets and (at 17) drink martinis in bars that I can't get into TODAY. Takeaway Chuck's sport jacket, which looked like the ones my doormen wear, and that's the game I want to play (watch for me in bow-ties at all future functions). Anyway, they are going to wait to see if down the road they can make it work. In the mean time, watch out for Dan and B... too many subplots for this not to happen (a pissed off Chuck and Serena and a disapproving Nate/UGFB to name a few).

Oh come on now, you didn't think I'd leave out Cher/Serena (also known as: she who is carrying junk in the trunk). She was dull tonight. She met a guy she went to band camp with (or camp anyway) who was an artist showing his work in Brooklyn at a show promoted by UGFB (also working in the child labor business - apparently a big theme in this show is that when you are poor in NYC, you make up for it by starting work at 15). Serena dug him, but then he left with a mysterious woman from the Gallery despite previously asking Serena out...she sad, but I would bet it's his sister or some other uninteresting unoriginal misunderstanding (See: Three's Company for example).

Finally, there's my new favorite character...Nate "Archie". Recall, Archie is slumming it in Brooklyn (By popular request, My Line of the Night: In response to B's comment that B would throw herself off the roof at the Opening...Serena says something like "Come on B, you don't want your obituary to say you died in Brooklyn"). Anyway, turns out Archie has a thing for Little Vijayjay... and it actually was one of the few moments of the show I liked. He followed her to a party she was at with "The OC" chick and the OC chick's boyfriend and arrives just in time to prevent her from either (1) having a threesome and/or (2) taking Vanessa Hudgens type photos (am I the only one who saw those?). Regardless, nothing is hotter than hearing "Stop acting like my Dad...you're not my brother" followed by a make-out moment... actually, that was a little gross. But seriously, I'm glad for them [Editor's Note: since she became a fashionista on her own, she changed her hair and went with what looks like a bleached mop turned upside down and chipmunk eye makeup...crazy fashion people].

Ok, so that's all. I realize this was long and that's why I'm never doing this again after my wife goes to sleep and when I don't have the pressure of work to limit it. But... It's for a good cause.

Gossip Girl: October 21, 2008

2008-10-21T10:51:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm sure you can get this on the internet just as easily, but I figured I'd spend five minutes of my life giving you an update... as always SPOILER ALERT.

I think last night's episode was lame, but I'll let you judge for yourself.

Dan the man went to visit his new bff Nate "Archie" Archibald. In the span of one week of friendship Archie convinced Dan to join the soccer team, so now they do things like kick the ball together in central park....besties. Anyway, Dan misunderstood and met Archie at his apartment only to realize that the place is locked up after being repossessed and Archie is sleeping on the floor. Let's discuss how ridiculous this is, first of all, he's in high school (even though none of them with the exception of Serena's gay bro actually look like High School students), why would his mother leave him to live in a condemned/foreclosed house? But more importantly... that "apartment" the Archie's owned is AMAZING. Is there any chance it would be foreclosed on and just left empty? That thing would be sold in a New York minute (couldn't resist that cliché). Anyway, long story short, after slumming it in Brooklyn on Chilly night, Archie moved in with Dan (why are the poor people always such do-gooders...seems to me that in reality there are lots of poor @ssholes, yet every TV show with rich people makes the poor family the nice guys).

Ugly Girl from Brooklyn who is there for breakfast every morning ("UGFB"), used the photo of the Duchess and her son getting it on to blackmail B into helping save the world or some type of charity like that. So B persuades Chuck to "destroy her" by befriending her, seducing her and then... not calling her the next morning... I guess? I mean ever since Cruel Intentions, this seems like an accepted way of "destroying" someone...Hooking up with them and then not calling to say thanks? Whatever...that was the plot. I may have to blog about how a one night stand or a even worse, a period of befriending... seducing and then breaking up... became the equivalent of "destroying" someone's life. Anyway, during the course of Chuck's "destruction" of UGFB, we realize a few things... one, he might have a heart and may actually want to save some landmark bar in Brooklyn because (a) he thinks it's cool and (b) he has Daddy issues; and two, B has it bad for the Chuckster and her plan backfired when she realized that watching Chuckie seduce the ladies made her jealous... long story short, she offered her vijayjay (vijayjay is my word of the day, not to be confused with Little Vijayjay - new nickname for Little Jay- who wasn't really in this episode) to Chuck and Chuck said that now she has to earn him... Which leads to my conclusion regarding this episode... Chuck rocks even if he dresses like Dick Van Dyke circa 1961.

Finally, just to fill you in on the rest of the crew. Bart and Serena's mom threw a house warming party with the paparazzi and all. Bart wouldn't let Serena's bro bring his gay boyfriend to the party because Bart said he was "protecting him." Though he was probably just protecting the Bass name... he's a Basshole in my opinion. Generally everyone's happy for the bro, but I'm sure we haven't heard the last of that issue. Serena has mommy issues and ripped into her mom to the media...brat... and then needed to get away, so she went to talk to Archie (I'm still calling Nate "Archie") as a "friend"... but lest we forget Archie's house is closed and empty. For some reason I can't remember, Dan was sitting on the stoop and Serena chatted him up instead... they are both sorry for the way they acted and she's glad Archie has a friend as good as Dan. Those damn do-gooder poor people strike again.

In total... Friendship defeated Sex in this episode 3 to 1 (I made that stat up).

Up next week: Little Vijayjay gets a big ego and tells B's mom that she doesn't need her and would be successful on her own.

Gossip Girl: October 20, 2008

2008-10-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

Since you left, things have been quiet. I mean pretty much every major event that could have occurred took place before you left. Oh wait... the Jets lost, does that count? Also, there have been at least two "very special ER's" since you left. I'll let someone else fill you in on gossip girl. Actually, I'll just tell you...

I think the last episode was kind of dumb (I'm hoping you watched it online or read about it... if not "Spoiler Alert"). Anyway, apparently they all intend to go to Yale... because that's what ridiculously rich people do. I don't have the time or patience to go over the stupidity of the episode (it was over the top ridiculous in every aspect... and I love the show), but let me just say this. Nate was reluctant to go visit Yale because of his father's reputation there. Of course as soon as he and Chuck got there, these guys from some secret society told Chuck that he would be in if he set up Nate. They wanted to "get him" because Nate's father ruined all of their trust funds... or some nonsense like that. Anyway, Chuck set up Dan instead of Nate (realizing that the secret society boys wouldn't know what Nate looked like - apparently facebook doesn't exist in Gossip Girl land)...but here is what KILLS me. They made you think these guys were really pissed and tough, so when they grabbed Dan and threw a bag over his head, you thought he would get roughed up... at least a little. But NO. Not one bruise. Instead, they tied him up in his boxers around some statue. SERIOUSLY? That's not even believable. That's what they would do to Zach on Saved by the Bell. So stupid. Anyway, Nate told Chuck that was "not cool" and slummed it with Dan on the bus home rather than in the limo.

As for B and Serena... they fought but are buds again (I'm getting annoyed with Serena and her voice... she sounds too much like Cher lately with that raspy kind of voice... I hope you know what I mean, because I can't explain it). That's basically the long and short of it. Oh and the real Little J is going to home school while she becomes a designer, thanks to some prodding and support from the Ugly Poor Girl from Brooklyn, who for some reason is always at Dan's house in time for breakfast? Bizarre.

Anyway, let me know if there are any other updates you'd like... and stay safe.

-J