XOXO Gossip Girl: Charles in Charge...You Bet Your Bass

Tonight we began with Charles, Uncle Jack @ss and B all meeting with a lawyer to find out what everyone was left in Bart's will. Ever the defeatist, Chuck assumes his Dad has figured out one final royal screw for his only son and believes he's not getting anything.

Look, I'm a huge Chuck fan (despite the fact that he wore a suit that was waaay too tight this week... I don't care if you ladies find him sexy, when you're only job in life is to look good, you need to be in better shape - take a note Vince Vaughn - I figure one of two things happened to Chuck this episode, either Chuck's put on a few pounds, or the wardrobe staff didn't communicate and failed to realize when they were fitting Chuck for his suit that he planned on wearing five sweaters and a turtleneck under the jacket as well as thermal bottoms. Whatever it is, if they don't remedy this problem shortly, we are about 3 episodes away from seeing Chuck's junk bunched up in his pants...not necessary...please GG can we let Chuck's boys breath a bit?... I digress).

Anyway, I'm a huge Chuck fan (clearly... I just spent five sentences talking about his man parts) but I've noticed he's not the most diverse character. He basically has two go to moves... there is "bad boy" Chuck who denies his inner pain (I'm not talking about his pants this time) by acting over the top self-destructive and there is "I'm sorry" Chuck who realizes he's totally pathetic and has issues (90% of the time we see "bad boy" Chuck). Let's talk acting for a second...basically the two Chucks are exactly the same. Here's the difference: with "bad boy" Chuck every time he says his lines he gives a snarl after each sentence and finishes by snapping his head back or to the side to flick his hair. Seriously, watch for it. Next episode when he is doing the "bad boy" act (i.e. doing drugs, prostitutes or j-walking), watch him snarl at everything...Later, when he realizes that he disappointed someone he loves and becomes "I'm sorry" Chuck, the snarl goes away and he ducks his head down puppy dog style. So there it is…the two faces of Chuck, "Snarl and the Puppy dog". Still, you can't fault him because... well... because he's Chuck.

Anyway, Silly Lily couldn't make it for Bart’s will reading because she's off with Roofie looking for their long lost son (I think that nickname works for Dan's Dad... Actually, I'm hoping if I use the nickname enough, I'll forget the characters entirely by the time I wake up in the morning… not unlike a real Roofie). Some issues here. First of all, she's Silly Bass... I mean Bart had a private investigator on retainer...why are she and Roofie off roaming the streets of Boston begging for information about their kid, when she could just buy the information? Second, I realize that they are really excited to meet their offspring (after all, the gay son and LVJJ are such winners), but if you were inheriting a half a billion dollars, don't you think you'd want to be there... or at least check in? Also, how crappy of a parental figure are you when you don't show up to support your stepson when they read his father's will? Which leads me directly to my next point... how in the world does Uncle Jack @ss (who looks like he's about 25) end up with custody of Chuck? I mean I'm not a lawyer... but I would think Chuck would have been left under the care of his adult stepmom, rather than young Uncle Jack from Australia...wait, I am a lawyer and that's just inconceivable (shout out to Mrs. Waldorf's husband who hasn't been on the show in weeks...inconceivable). Do you think Lily knows that every other character on the show thinks she's useless (hold on, I'm popping another Roofie...Lilly who???)? Can't wait for their spin off... "Silly on Roofies" coming soon to the CW.

Regardless, it allowed us to get to some of the best lines of the show:
Lawyer: Chuck, do you have any objections to your Uncle having custody of you?
Chuck to Uncle Jack: Curfew?
Jack: Of course not.
Chuck: Can girls Sleepover?
Jack: I hope so.
Chuck: No objections from me.

I want Uncle Jack to be my pops. He's rich, cool and... as we'll see in a minute...he encourages promiscuity with ladies of questionable character (read: drug using prostitutes)...If he read a bed time story once in awhile, I'd vote him Dad of the year.

Turns out Bart believed in Chuck and left him the family business (51%). After wavering for a bit, Chuck decides he's going to start work immediately as CEO of the Company. No need to alert his teachers, school is really just a prop on this show. In other words, the school looks good for background filler, but it's not real. Also, I guess if I owned stock in Bass Industries I would think it was great for a 17 year old with no experience to run a billion dollar company...no wait, that's also inconceivable and would result in the stock and company going down the toilet (not even Hannah Montana runs her own empire). I just can't believe Bart wouldn't have thought of this and I can't believe the Board was even entertaining the idea.

Anyway, Jack is not happy about losing the company and decides he needs to take Chuck down (taking people down is a theme on this show). So, he relies on a morals clause in the will (I mean, I think it was in the will? we don't really know though because Bart's will didn't actually leave Chuck the business, instead the Company gets left to Chuck by way of a separate letter from dearly departed Dad... Um, hello? Bart had teams of lawyer and ran a billion dollar business, yet everyone is comfortable with the fact that the Company gets left to Chuck by way of a "Dear John" letter...touchingly inconceivable). Regardless, Uncle Jack sets Chuck up with ladies, booze and drugs (and yet comically he's still a better option as a parent then Silly) and then invites the Board Members to the Bass residence for a surprise brunch where they discover "bad boy" Chuck. Looks like Chuck's time at the top is in jeopardy...good thing he still has a billion dollars to fall back on. The episode ends with "I'm sorry" Chuck asking B for forgiveness, but she has had enough... so it's finally definitely over between them (sorry, I couldn't even type that with a straight face).

Meanwhile, not much from S and Humphrey Dumpty, except Dan still can't tell S that they share a sibling. Anyway, the snotty girls from the Stairs (along with their suddenly extremely popular Asian side kick - who by the way has more pairs of glasses then Chuck has cardigans), find out the “Dan and S share a sibling” secret and blast it out to Gossip Girl. Leading to an awkward moment...why? I still have no idea. I think S sums it up best, Alicia Silverstone made it work in Clueless, so why can't she and Dan? Because in all reality, if something worked for Alicia Silverstone, shouldn't it be socially acceptable for everyone? As if.

Meanwhile, LVJJ and Eric (I'm starting to feel bad for calling him the S's gay brother... for one thing, they have been throwing him a lot of lines lately and for another thing, someone’s sexuality should not define who they are. Eric has a lot of fine qualities that make him... who am I kidding, unless and until the gay brother does something other than gossip with LVJJ or talk about his little boyfriend, his nickname doesn't change)...Anyway, LVJJ and S's gay brother had a tiff when LVJJ was too needy and always wanted to hang out with the brother and his boy toy, but they worked it out when they realized they were family (NO THEY AREN'T). Anyway, I decided that best spin-off for GG would be LVJJ and Eric..."LVJJ and the Gay" coming this fall to the CW.

One quick aside, it's interesting the way GG deals with homosexuality... most shows deal with the inner struggle of a teenager coming out, but not GG. The only thing Eric hasn't done is attend a Bette Midler concert in drag... I mean good for him, but as a 14 year old you would think there would be some kind of struggle and/or kids giving him grief (Gossip Girl is either extremely liberal or they lack the writing skills to deal with real issues even on a superficial level - I mean, even the new 90210 has already dealt with race, drugs and eating disorders - actually the eating disorder thing was not part of the script, that's the real 90210 actresses...I guess we just have to accept GG for what it is).

Nate "Archie" Archibald and UGFB are celebrating their 3 month anniversary... and that was it for them. Poor Nate, stuck with UGFB and losing lines by the minute. If he doesn't pick up a drug habit or another MILF soon, he may find himself off the show. Maybe he'll have an affair with S's brother... then everyone is family.

Finally, we end with Silly and Roofie in Boston. Turns out Silly still loves Roofie which leads to "smoochie poochies" (as my wife would say) between them. Anyway, after initial reluctance, the parents of their child decide to meet with Silly and Roofie... only to inform them that their spawn drowned a year back during a horrible accident (if only Lilly had been their to watch him, this might have never happened - instead he'd be on drugs or traveling alone in a foreign country). Sad moment...

Later in the most obvious of twists, we find out the kid isn't actually dead. The parents lied to Silly and Roofie... "We had to lie. They have so much money and power, they'll stop at nothing to get their child back"... or some dumb line like that. Again, 1) how does Lilly not have the private investigator on this and 2) these people are from Boston, not Idaho (no offense Idaho), I mean do they honestly believe that a Court would take away their child after 20 years of raising him (and I could be wrong, but I think the kid's an adult now anyway, if so, he doesn't have to listen to any of them anyway)? Unfortunately we haven't heard the last of this...In the mean time, Silly and Roofie head back to Brooklyn and arrive just in time to catch all four of their collective kids sharing PB&J sandwiches and generally acting like one big happy family....Mental note: Now the S and Dan thing seems a little weird.

I can't wait to watch the Lilly and Rufus prequel. If we're lucky Rufus will have a mullet and there will be a scene with Lilly dancing on stage like Courtney Cox in the classic 80's "Dancing in the Dark" Springsteen video. In the mean time, I'm still enjoying reruns of the hit TV show where LVJJ and S's gay brother lived together as adults and get into all kinds of shenanigans... it was called "Will and Grace".

That's all for now. XOXO and Happy 23rd B-day to my wife's sister, who is kind enough to be a shameless promoter for this blog.